Waking up ravaged by sleep is no way to start a day. Waking up to fractured water pipes streaming water down our kitchen walls is no way to start a week. Exhausted by urban exertions and the peculiar fatigue that accompanies train travel, today was one of trying to catch myself up. Polycarbonate-related projection quandries, photographic dimensions, branding guidelines… gradually all are being sorted.
I have spent much time on trains, and interestingly, spent most of this weekend reading Sebald’s travelogues about spending time on trains. Really, he is a fantastic writer. I cannot bring myself to say more than this. Before completing even fifty pages of this novel, I had already bought another.
London and my trip to see friends brought many useful provocations. Still we, as a social group bound no longer by geography but history, suffer the same preoccupations. Regarding ambition, occupation and the meshing of the two, none of us have gained any expertise worthy of relation. Still we sit in dim, wooden pubs drinking halves and striking out towards unnamed islands. Those that can afford to live, cannot afford to dream; those that can afford to dream, cannot afford to live.
How many years do we have to make it? Three, ten, fifteen? Perhaps we can keep moving the goalposts and postpone our failures? Perhaps, actually, none of us are failing, perhaps by being at this crossroads we have already succeeded and we can be forgiven for simply have no idea how to continue. In opening up choices, we are winning. It is becoming gradually clearer that a happy life is one in which we are left somewhere to go, we are able to make these choices. The limiters of choice are the proponents of discontent.
So now I finish the day's work at thirteen minutes past nine in the evening. Let us hope that the world in which I intend to wake up tomorrow is more hospitable than the world that received me today, that is to say I wish not to wake late, ravaged by sleep, and with water pouring through the kitchen ceiling.
In the damp darkness of outside, plans for Berlin gather their urgencies.